I feel like making a list of my favorite shows that are currently in production.
5) Ghost Hunters
4) Big Love
3) The Office
2) Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations
1) Lost
Oh, TV. Secret lover.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Thursday, March 6, 2008
what I wish someone had said to me
"You are the child of god's holy gift of life. You come from me, but you are not me. Your soul and your body are your own, and yours to do with as you wish."
--The Secretary, 2002
--The Secretary, 2002
Monday, March 3, 2008
my mormon story
I was born and raised mormon; both sides of my family were descended from pioneers or early European settlers. I did primary, young women’s seminary, and singles wards. When I was 20, I was manipulated and date-raped by a man who found me in my singles ward in Salt Lake. He was from Wyoming- a roving predator, ten years my senior. I blamed myself for a long time, feeling like I could continue to go to church but never really participate because of what had happened and my guilt about it.
After a year I stopped going entirely and started dating a very decent and caring (non-manipulative) nevermo. Because I was with him, I got a glimpse of life outside mormondom, how warm and caring his family was, how much they really loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company, how healthy and conscientious they all were. That was a revelation to me- I had never seen anything like it.
This revelation led to more experiences, more perspectives, more people, more knowledge. My world view, my view on the nature of existence, is so much broader and more accurate now than it ever was before. Even though I left the mormon church because I felt “bad” about myself, something good came of it: I actually left. I got out. And being out has allowed me to read things I wouldn’t have let myself read before, think about things I wouldn’t have let myself think about before. As a result, I have found truth, things that actually make sense, things that ring true and don’t require altered logic.
So in a way, I did things backwards- I left, then I REALLY left.
One of the most damaging things about growing up mormon is that your ability to think for yourself is subverted. I still have trouble asking for what I want or even knowing what I want. I still have to search my heart for a long time before I can uncover what I really feel about something. I still, unconsciously, find myself deferring to older male authority for no actual reason. The real damage that was done to me, that resulted in me being easily manipulated and used, was that I couldn’t think for myself, I couldn’t stand up for myself, and I didn’t think I was worth standing up for. I make this promise now- my children will never feel this way.
I was never an “endowed” member, an adult mormon. I was never coerced into marrying too young, having too many kids too early, and losing myself entirely. I thank the powers that be for helping me out, for giving me a chance at life. I see my cousins and my friends struggling now with choices they made at too young an age- marrying people they barely knew, having kids before they were ready- although they won’t admit it except in veiled terms in private company. I hurt for them. I wish there was something I could do, even though I realize that everyone has their path they are just following theirs. All I can do is show them that life outside mormondom does not equal instant death, just in case they are entertaining the idea.
(My life isn’t perfect, and I’m not saying that theirs are completely dreadful, but I do sense an overarching feeling of disappointment in most of my adult mormon friends and relatives. They have finally reached the point in their life where they have done the major things you are supposed to do in order to be happy and free, but for some reason it didn’t work... is it because they are bad? Selfish? Not enough kids yet? Nope. It’s because the whole thing is a lie. But I digress.)
Anyways, it is going to take a long time for the whole experience of my childhood, teens, and early 20's to be healed. Luckily, I have a supportive husband and a few more years before we will have kids. I think in this time I will be able to develop a stronger sense of self, a more authentic value system, and a greater capacity for giving and receiving unconditional love. I am looking forward to a rich and fulfilling life, because that is what I (and all beings) deserve. Thanks for reading.
After a year I stopped going entirely and started dating a very decent and caring (non-manipulative) nevermo. Because I was with him, I got a glimpse of life outside mormondom, how warm and caring his family was, how much they really loved each other and enjoyed each other’s company, how healthy and conscientious they all were. That was a revelation to me- I had never seen anything like it.
This revelation led to more experiences, more perspectives, more people, more knowledge. My world view, my view on the nature of existence, is so much broader and more accurate now than it ever was before. Even though I left the mormon church because I felt “bad” about myself, something good came of it: I actually left. I got out. And being out has allowed me to read things I wouldn’t have let myself read before, think about things I wouldn’t have let myself think about before. As a result, I have found truth, things that actually make sense, things that ring true and don’t require altered logic.
So in a way, I did things backwards- I left, then I REALLY left.
One of the most damaging things about growing up mormon is that your ability to think for yourself is subverted. I still have trouble asking for what I want or even knowing what I want. I still have to search my heart for a long time before I can uncover what I really feel about something. I still, unconsciously, find myself deferring to older male authority for no actual reason. The real damage that was done to me, that resulted in me being easily manipulated and used, was that I couldn’t think for myself, I couldn’t stand up for myself, and I didn’t think I was worth standing up for. I make this promise now- my children will never feel this way.
I was never an “endowed” member, an adult mormon. I was never coerced into marrying too young, having too many kids too early, and losing myself entirely. I thank the powers that be for helping me out, for giving me a chance at life. I see my cousins and my friends struggling now with choices they made at too young an age- marrying people they barely knew, having kids before they were ready- although they won’t admit it except in veiled terms in private company. I hurt for them. I wish there was something I could do, even though I realize that everyone has their path they are just following theirs. All I can do is show them that life outside mormondom does not equal instant death, just in case they are entertaining the idea.
(My life isn’t perfect, and I’m not saying that theirs are completely dreadful, but I do sense an overarching feeling of disappointment in most of my adult mormon friends and relatives. They have finally reached the point in their life where they have done the major things you are supposed to do in order to be happy and free, but for some reason it didn’t work... is it because they are bad? Selfish? Not enough kids yet? Nope. It’s because the whole thing is a lie. But I digress.)
Anyways, it is going to take a long time for the whole experience of my childhood, teens, and early 20's to be healed. Luckily, I have a supportive husband and a few more years before we will have kids. I think in this time I will be able to develop a stronger sense of self, a more authentic value system, and a greater capacity for giving and receiving unconditional love. I am looking forward to a rich and fulfilling life, because that is what I (and all beings) deserve. Thanks for reading.
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