here's why not to raise your kids mormon...

It's quite possible you will end up with a kid like me.

I'm 27 and I just realized, not an hour ago, that I have always let other people run my life. I have never taken charge. I don't know exactly what the psychology of it is, but I know part of it is that I have always thought other people know better than I do about my life. And I have always thought that I sucked, and that everything I did was bound to be flawed. I know this isn't a uniquely mormon way of teaching kids to be, but that's where I got it.

And now here I am, and I'm not sure how I got here. I don't get my twenties back. I can't go and live in Portland and play music (I am actually talented) or so some of the other things I have secretly wished for, because now I am locked into a pattern of life that would be really hard to leave. And I don't think I consciously chose it.

Maybe I'm going through a 1/3 way through life crisis. I just started grad school, and my husband is really excited about the idea of buying a house. I'm still pretty freaked out about actually being married, even though it's been over a year. All these new commitments... I don't exactly feel free right now. And I wonder if it even was my idea to do this or if I let my husband, and other societal pressures, talk me into it. (I also wonder if I'm just freaking out about nothing. I have no way to know.)

I'm sorry about this personal stuff, I'm just feeling alone and upset. I thought that if there are people who know what this is like, or know where I am coming from, it would be here.

I have never felt good enough, I have never felt strong enough, and now I'm thinking it's too late to really change these feelings about myself. And if it isn't too late, it sure is too late to go back and live it over again. That is the worst part of it all.

(I'll be starting counseling next week to deal with some of this stuff.)

Thanks for reading.

P.s. I've been out of the church for 3 or 4 years, but I only lately have discovered what a hold it still has on my psyche. I guess this is just another step in the learning process- mourning what I could have had if I had been raised to believe in myself.


(I posted the above earlier today on the bulletin board at www.exmormon.org)

exmo ponderings

I remember thinking when I was very young (5 or 6?) that I was going to do everything possible to be perfect. I was going to be the first real 'perfect' person since Jesus. Maybe I would even see God at 14 like Joseph Smith did, because he was so pure of heart and all.

Then, of course, I screwed it up at some point by fighting with my brother, or whatever. But it didn't really matter, because all that gets washed away when you get baptized and you can start again, right?

I turned 8, got baptized, and did my best (again) to be perfect. I don't remember what this would have entailed in my little mind, but I assume it was something like walking with my arms folded and always doing whatever my mom asked me to.

But of course, I messed that up somehow, too.

I remember feeling pretty terrible about this. I mean, I had a 'get out of jail free' card but I somehow managed to squander it! What kind of kid was I? A rotten one, obviously. Fundamentally flawed. And that has stuck with me my whole life.