exmo ponderings

I remember thinking when I was very young (5 or 6?) that I was going to do everything possible to be perfect. I was going to be the first real 'perfect' person since Jesus. Maybe I would even see God at 14 like Joseph Smith did, because he was so pure of heart and all.

Then, of course, I screwed it up at some point by fighting with my brother, or whatever. But it didn't really matter, because all that gets washed away when you get baptized and you can start again, right?

I turned 8, got baptized, and did my best (again) to be perfect. I don't remember what this would have entailed in my little mind, but I assume it was something like walking with my arms folded and always doing whatever my mom asked me to.

But of course, I messed that up somehow, too.

I remember feeling pretty terrible about this. I mean, I had a 'get out of jail free' card but I somehow managed to squander it! What kind of kid was I? A rotten one, obviously. Fundamentally flawed. And that has stuck with me my whole life.