old blog from myspace

Monday, November 19, 2007

goodbye little baby dog


Have you ever felt so sad, it feels like you are going to throw up?

I've been trying to rush through the mourning, I think. I've been trying to "feel better" already. It's only been a day and a half. A house without a little furry friend for a day and a half. Feels like a month.

I've been vaccuuming, every inch, behind everything. Moving furniture, using the attachments to get along the walls and in the corners. To spare myself in the future from coming across his fur somewhere. As if it could be any more difficult than it is for me now to see it... but I still feel like I need to do it.

Am I trying to digest this pain to quickly? It is so awful, so bottomless... I want it gone. You can't blame me for trying to put it away as soon as I can. But it won't be put away any time soon, I think.

One thing I've learned in the past year is how important it is to feel what you feel when you feel it. This has been a hard lesson to learn- my whole life I have had the habit of trying to feel what I "should" feel, or what I think other people want me to feel. This is a hard thing to get over.

Right now I feel very sad, like a bag of sand is over my chest.

I see his little hiding places, empty.

I imagine his little pointy red head peaking up over the edge of the couch.

I think for a second when I put food on the coffee table that he might get into it, then I remember.

It's hardest walking in the door, and seeing his spot on the couch that he would sleep on during the day. He would pick up his head, his tongue sticking out at the end, his mane rumpled, looking suprised. My sweet baby.

His time was done. He was sick, his kidneys didn't work anymore. His blood was toxic, he wouldn't eat. He only wanted to lay on the bed, with someone close by. He was throwing up 4 or 5 times a day, he could barely walk. It was hard to watch. My baby, who used to chase horses at lightning speed in the field behind our house.

He seemed to know, when we carried him into the animal hospital on Sunday. He was fine, he was smiling. He was calm. He was looking us in the eyes. He looked into my eyes as the pink liquid went into the catheter in his front left leg. He was looking into my eyes, his head relaxed into my hand, and I lowered it to the floor.

We took him to a canyon in Cache Valley and buried him later that day. It is hard to bury something you love. It is hard to leave the body there, far away. The body seemed like all I had left at the time.

I think I feel him talking to me, saying that he is still here. I don't know. It could be me trying to make myself feel better already. But I like the thought of him being free, and young, and happy again. I like the thought of him being around me still. That's the only consolation I am able to find.

Isn't it the hardest thing you can face in life, to lose something/someone you love? Isn't that the hardest thing you can think of?

taken from my myspace blog

science


I have no patience anymore for permutation of the truth. I have no interest in inaccurate descriptions, especially in regards to feelings. I don't want to deal with people who cannot tell me what they are really thinking or feeling, the whole truth, as much as it is my business.

I will no longer tolerate lies. And when I am able to detect them, I will ask for the person to think a little harder and try again to explain him or herself.

Socially-encouraged lying may be slightly more prevalent here in Utah. There might be a higher expectation that people be happy and present smiling faces to the world. It also may be that people are taught from the time they are children that they should be feeling certain ways in certain situations.

I have been terrible at knowing how I actually feel for the majority of my life. It has resulted in me not taking as good care of myself as I should have. Example: I had boyfriends just to have boyfriends, not because I actually felt anything for most of them. Another example- not knowing what I thought about things, if I liked them or not. I was always trying too hard to gauge what response I thought I was supposed to give. But I didn't know that. It was like I was in a haze. Someone could have asked me, "What is your favorite color?" and I would have told them their own favorite color, just because it was what I thought they wanted me to say.

It's just how it is, it has been an ugly part of my personality for a long time. But now that I have started being able to know myself, I can't imagine going back. I feel anger at the people and situations that hold other people back from knowing themselves and uncovering their own truth. Anger.

I recently had to deal with a very dishonest person. This person got caught in his lies, and lied again to avoid consequences. It wouldn't care so much except his lie involved giving me the blame for what he got in trouble for, and it painted me in a very untrue light. This is, I believe, a direct result of him not knowing himself, knowing how he feels, believing in what he feels, and being able to relate to other people how he feels. I have no more patience for him, I am done with it.

I always thought I fit best into the "artist" category. Turns out, I may be more of a scientist. An art-in-scientist. Science is about truth, about the best way to describe why things are the way they are. In my music, I try to show things are perfectly as possible, as I see them. I don't lie in my music. My songs may sound a little abstract at times, but to me there is a direct translation to some feeling or moment that I try to portray as accurate as possible. That is the most important thing to me now.

No more purposeful inaccuracy, no more dishonesty, ok? It is weak, it is pathetic, and I won't tolerate it anymore.

My favorite color right now is a deep, royal blue with just a hint of purple.

its scary to move away and start a new life

"A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it's also what makes us afraid.

Bodhichitta training offers no promise of happy endings. Rather, this "I" who wants to find security—who wants something to hold on to—can finally learn to grow up. The central question of a warrior's training is not how we avoid uncertainty and fear but how we relate to discomfort. How do we practice with difficulty, with our emotions, with the unpredictable encounters of an ordinary day?

All too frequently we relate like timid birds who don't dare to leave the nest. Here we sit in a nest that's getting pretty smelly and that hasn't served its function for a very long time. No one is arriving to feed us. No one is protecting us and keeping us warm. And yet we keep hoping mother bird will arrive.

We could do ourselves the ultimate favor and finally get out of that nest. That this takes courage is obvious. That we could use some helpful hints is also clear. We may doubt that we're up to being a warrior-in-training. But we can ask ourselves this question: 'Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?'"

--Pema Chodron

who I'd like to meet

Oh Jemaine.

First blog

You set this thing up and it looks so empty, so you have to post something, even though there is nothing really to post about. But here it goes, vaccuum-filling words.
It has been a month and a half since my dog died.
I don't want Rich to see this page. It is not a page for Rich to be reading.
Where in Logan do the liberal (awake) people live? Can I get a house with 2 bedrooms and utilities paid for around $400?
We'll want to get a place that would someday let us get a dog, when we are ready to.
I forgot to visit my grandmother today. Bad move.
I wanted a blog that isn't related to my music, so I don't put off potential fans.
I want to write about Utah, and how we can make things better.
I have a lot of opinions that I feel I need to get out.
I am a fan of honesty now. I didn't used to be, but only because I didn't really know what honesty was. Maybe I'll post about that at some point.
I want to help everyone. I think we are so close to being completely screwed on this planet. I don't know what I can do, but I have to do something, as much as I can.
Although I am really wanting to go out and make things better here, I still have a lot of work to do on myself before I can be of any good to anyone.
Cool. Space filled adequately for now.