taken from my myspace blog

science


I have no patience anymore for permutation of the truth. I have no interest in inaccurate descriptions, especially in regards to feelings. I don't want to deal with people who cannot tell me what they are really thinking or feeling, the whole truth, as much as it is my business.

I will no longer tolerate lies. And when I am able to detect them, I will ask for the person to think a little harder and try again to explain him or herself.

Socially-encouraged lying may be slightly more prevalent here in Utah. There might be a higher expectation that people be happy and present smiling faces to the world. It also may be that people are taught from the time they are children that they should be feeling certain ways in certain situations.

I have been terrible at knowing how I actually feel for the majority of my life. It has resulted in me not taking as good care of myself as I should have. Example: I had boyfriends just to have boyfriends, not because I actually felt anything for most of them. Another example- not knowing what I thought about things, if I liked them or not. I was always trying too hard to gauge what response I thought I was supposed to give. But I didn't know that. It was like I was in a haze. Someone could have asked me, "What is your favorite color?" and I would have told them their own favorite color, just because it was what I thought they wanted me to say.

It's just how it is, it has been an ugly part of my personality for a long time. But now that I have started being able to know myself, I can't imagine going back. I feel anger at the people and situations that hold other people back from knowing themselves and uncovering their own truth. Anger.

I recently had to deal with a very dishonest person. This person got caught in his lies, and lied again to avoid consequences. It wouldn't care so much except his lie involved giving me the blame for what he got in trouble for, and it painted me in a very untrue light. This is, I believe, a direct result of him not knowing himself, knowing how he feels, believing in what he feels, and being able to relate to other people how he feels. I have no more patience for him, I am done with it.

I always thought I fit best into the "artist" category. Turns out, I may be more of a scientist. An art-in-scientist. Science is about truth, about the best way to describe why things are the way they are. In my music, I try to show things are perfectly as possible, as I see them. I don't lie in my music. My songs may sound a little abstract at times, but to me there is a direct translation to some feeling or moment that I try to portray as accurate as possible. That is the most important thing to me now.

No more purposeful inaccuracy, no more dishonesty, ok? It is weak, it is pathetic, and I won't tolerate it anymore.

My favorite color right now is a deep, royal blue with just a hint of purple.